Dramatis Personae
- Marcy. Grapefruit nomad Steppelander Coffee-maker. Dipping her toes into camel matchmaking.
- Astia. Dwarf Decapolitan Ambassador Biomancer. Learned Flesh-crafting at the Cobalt Ziggu-Rot. Arms and legs like twigs.
- Finn. Greenlander Phytomancer Emerald City Preacher of the Good Word of the Great and Powerful Physics. Member of the Teen Squad.
- Limon. Lime nomad Steppelander climate migrant. Bound in servitude to a demigod Bonsai Turtle named Glum. Owner of a strikingly wide-brimmed pale green wizard hat.
In the Aftermath of the Furniture Fight
Everyone stood staring in stunned silence at the Unsettled Waters. Frightened and shocked onlookers scurried back off to their various hovels in the town proper while the last burbles of what once was Jonky Bonko rose to the surface of the lake and vanished. One audience member lamented aloud the strict laws set by the tyrannical Porcelain Princes—if only furniture fighting hadn't been illegal they wouldn't have had to hold the fights in such hazardous places! He left for Your Life Burns Faster in This House.
The party were approached by Ipa, Jonky's adolescent Rainbowlander manager. On the verge of a breakdown having lost her livelihood, she perked up at Limon's mention of his play-fighting days in the Yellowlands (assisted by Marcy's hype-man act). You see, Ipa had already promised to provide a fighter for some upcoming furniture fights, but with Jonky presumably eaten by a gigantic octopus she was going to owe some dangerous people some cash. The party decided to help out in the way they knew best: throw a charity furniture fight in Jonky Bonko's memory. And thus, the First Annual Jonky Bonko Memorial Furniture Fight was born. They had a week to plan this event and find a suitable piece of furniture to fight. Our heroes stole over to the late Mr. Bonko's house in the middle of the night to raid his locker and acquire a sofa for Limon to fight as the main event.
Chez Bonko
Peering into the window of the hovel to which Ipa had given them directions, they saw three women sleeping on a sofa next to a standing locker. Deciding honesty was the best policy, Marcy and Astia knocked on the front door which was met with expectant calls of Jonky Bonko's name. When the front door opened, no words were needed; the girlfriends knew that Jonky had died. Mary Mince swooned while Berdonante asked Marcy and Astia about the fight. Eventually the rest of Jonky's (former) girlfriends awoke and came into the common room to meet the party. In total there was Berdonante, Mary Mince, Fache, Egaree, Cruse, Larmoyante, Plure, Epuise, Aveguele, Priere, and Angoisse. Jonko's prior polycule was dismayed but unsurprised to hear word of his death; they knew the risks of furniture fighting, and who was to blame for those risks. Damn the Porcelain Princes!
The mood lightened when our heroes made mention of the First Annual Jonky Bonko Memorial Furniture Fight. Everyone agreed it was a good idea, and the girlfriends even donated their own sofa for Limon to fight. Rooting through Jonky's old locker, Marcy found some particularly curious items: a chitin shield with biomechanical snakes interwoven, a skull with runes inscribed (which Astia identified as curses of his god Rot), and a highly illegal long-gun that fires bursts of radiation. How Jonky Bonko came about such items, who can tell? The life of a furniture fighter seems anything but dull.
Triumphantly, the party dragged off Jonky Bonko's girlfriends' couch into the night.
The Week Before the Event
Camel Speed-Dating Round Two
Turns out the second time's the charm because only an hour or so into their next round of speed-dating, Marcy's magnificent camel locked eyes with one of Zora's low-born regular camels and it was camel love at first sight. Sparks flew and not even Zora could deny it, so a deal was a deal: Zora unwittingly traded Marcy's ill-gotten small-headed rhinobuffalo for a regular camel and $400. Before their time together was up, the Spectrum Satrap confessed to Marcy that she had originally planned on selling her out but now considered her a friend.
Your Life Burns Faster in this House
Everyone spent the week hanging out at the revolutionary house in order hoping to get permission to hold their big furniture fight in its back yard. Getting to know the guy who "runs" the house, Syruss Sensible, and greasing the wheel to the tune of $100 each got them two things: permission, and a radical new fashion sense. During their time at the house, they heard increasingly intense anti-Porcelain Prince propaganda in the form of daily speeches delivered by Syruss, and Marceline continued to smell magic coming from behind the false wall in the "dungeon" below. Syruss tried to convince the party to hold the furniture fight on Porcelain Prince territory as a show of defiance, but they were having none of that.
The First Annual Jonky Bonko Memorial Furniture Fight
It had finally arrived: the night of the fight! A week of hyping up the event between Marcy, Ipa, and The Girlfriends had drawn a decent crowd, and they were ready for some carnage. Astia convinced the crowd that an armoire had killed Jonky Bonko, and this very armoire was to fight Finn (under a pseudonym, of course) as a grudge match. With the crowd sufficiently hyped, the event was underway.
Finn cleverly used Forcebending magic to make the armoire weightless, pulling off an impressive series of stunts while keeping the fight from being too one-sided. The crowd wasn't going to believe that the armoire what killed Jonky Bonko would be taken down easily by some no-name furniture fighter, and Finn sold it beautifully. After trading blows for a few minutes, the armoire pinned Finn in a surprising reversal; he was down for the count. Jonky would not be avenged just yet!
Up next was the main event: Limon was going to fight a sofa by himself. Most people had heard of 3-on-sofa or even 2-on-sofa fights, but no one had seen a teenage boy fight a sofa alone before. Cash ran rampant between betters and bookies while M.C. Marceline readied the crowd and introduced Limon. They had dressed the sofa up in a porcelain mask to increase the crowd's ire; it worked swimmingly, but Marcy had another trick up her sleeve. Tapping into more arcane power than she had ever previously harnessed, she gave the couch a gnashing, toothy, illusory maw, making it look much more evil than before. The spell got out of control, however, and she was mutated, gaining a larger maw herself. Nevertheless, the show must go on!
Limon whipped off his poncho and wide-brimmed wizard hat to reveal his "play-fighting" outfit: a spandex speedo. He rushed over to the couch and began wrestling with it. An overeager attempt at an early pin tweaked his shoulder, but he fought through the pain. In an amazing display of raw strength, Limon got low, got his hands under the couch, and lifted. His arms wobbled for a moment and he nearly dropped the sofa—the crowd gasped, some looked away—but digging into his deepest reserves for a boost of strength he hoisted the entire rabid couch high above his head. The onlookers went full tilt riot posse wild. Limon slammed the sofa down, driving it back towards the hard earth. Marceline tossed him his dagger-axe and he finished the job to uproarious applause.
Wow, This Actually Worked?
Yep. Marcy made a Spectrum Satrap friend, Astia found an important artifact of his revolting god, and Finn and Limon fought furniture convincingly enough to raise money for Ipa to pay her debts and Jonky's polycule to be taken care of. The event ended with The Girlfriends helping our heroes carry that armoire over to a nearby defense pillar and throw it into range of its death-ray laser, exploding into a delightful pyromantic display. Everyone partied at the faster life burning house for the rest of the night, deciding to set off towards the Last Serai in the morning.
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