Dramatis Personae
- Finn Skyshambler. Greenlander Phytomancer Emerald City Preacher of the Good Word of the Great and Powerful Physics. His silvered bracelet signifies his membership in the Teen Squad.
- Marceline Chaiya Grove. Grapefruit nomad Steppelander Coffee-maker. Her Teen Squad bracelet is uniquely socketed with a chrysoprase gemstone.
- Dulce. Mononymous Gentlemanly Bourgeois Botanist Dwarf from the RLD. All his hair fell out, but he's glued it back on while waiting for it to grow back.
- Astia Rudeni. Dwarf Decapolitan Ambassador Biomancer. Learned Flesh-crafting at the Cobalt Ziggu-Rot. Arms and legs like twigs.
- Limon Field. Lime nomad Steppelander climate migrant. Bound in servitude to a demigod Bonsai Turtle named Glum. Owner of a strikingly wide-brimmed pale green wizard hat. Hasn't taken a single point of damage yet this campaign.
The trip west from [REDACTED] did not treat our heroes kindly. Fiberglass thermo-nettles plagued the path (just that time of year, I guess!) and most ended up with serious burns. Marcy managed to avoid the worst of it.
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| Vome Hunter Golem with adult Spectrum Satrap for reference |
A day out from their destination, The Porcelain Citadel, a group of three hulking white humanoid golems caught sight of the party and approached. Dulce identified them as Vome Hunter golems, so no one in the party had anything to worry about... unless the golems' scanners malfunctioned. Finn used his phytomancer skills to ask the nettles for help, who happily obliged, entangling two of the golems. The third approached and scanned everyone in the group save for Astia who flew above with his butterfly wings.
Satisfied that no one in the party was secretly a vome in disguise, the sole remaining hunter golem ambled back to its nettle-bound companions. It would not be long before the crew spotted the citadel, throwing the horns over on the horizon.
YOUR LIFE BURNS FASTER IN THIS HOUSE
The first sight they saw when passing into the territory of the Porcelain Citadel was a ramshackle hut with "YOUR LIFE BURNS FASTER IN THIS HOUSE" spray-painted in a variety of offset colors on its facade. A man in a white seersucker suit smoking a cigarette sat on the porch and hailed the party with a bunch of incoherent new age adjacent hippie dippy nonsense. Dulce did not trust this man, but everyone else was lured into the house by its colorful lights and window-rattlingly loud music.
While Dulce's suspicion grew, Marcy smelled magic coming from the basement and spotted a bouncer standing in front of a door leading downward. The bouncer told her she needed a consenting partner to go downstairs, so she grabbed Limon and they descended into what turned out to be a sex dungeon. Astia refused to find a partner, insisting he should be allowed into the sex dungeon by himself, so the bouncer refused him entry and called him a creep. In the sex dungeon, Marceline traced the source of magic to a room hidden behind a back wall, but decided to hold off on investigating so as to not get on the house patron's bad side... for now.
The Ballad of Jonky Bonko
The party was approached by a short, lean man wearing gaudy, mismatched, fake jewelry as they reconvened on the porch of the house where your life burns faster while in it. He introduced himself as Jonky Bonko, furniture fighter and tour guide extraordinaire, and offered to show them around town for $20. When everyone declined, he instead offered to tell them something "useful" for $100, or something "interesting" for $50. Dulce talked that $50 down to $30 and some cat coffee, and Jonky informed everyone that some mercs were looking for information on a group of people traveling with a small-headed rhinobuffalo (just like the party's!) only a few days ago. He tossed in that their uniforms implied they were on the payroll of a Cat Lord from the Violet City, but no one asked which one.Happy with his payday, Jonky invited everyone to come see a furniture fight of his; midnight at the Onion Dam by the Unsettled Waters. Limon and Finn had lost interest a long time ago and wandered into the settlement proper, so Dulce and the Hexads looked for a spot to hide the rhinobuffalo while everyone decided how to approach the "being hunted" situation.
Limon and Finn Versus Royalty
Approaching the Citadel itself—a colossal sign of the horns made of flawless, unmarked porcelain—Limon and Finn were met on the steps by a cluster of seven identically dressed men and women wearing matching porcelain masks. They introduced themselves as Sherd 7-extension, a Porcelain Prince, and asked what business the lowly monobodies had at the Citadel.
When Finn and Limon were unable to provide a satisfactory answer, Sherd 7-extension ordered them to leave under vague threat of enslavement. Shaken but unstirred, the teens left the Citadel to seek work elsewhere.
While catching up with the Porcelain Prince, Astia and Marcy noticed something odd. While mostly speaking and acting in perfect unison, some of their bodies seemed to "de-sync" either saying something similar but not identical to the rest, or falling behind a few milliseconds. Strange behavior!
Astia mentioned to Clayfire 100-company that he was planning on spending time at Your Life Burns Faster In This House during their stay at the Porcelain Citadel, to which the Prince fiercely balked. Clayfire 100-company explained that that house was full of revolutionaries and thus were not to be trusted; they instead extended full hospitality to the Bluelander Ambassador. The Prince then polity excused their selves, as they needed to return to drills. Physical fitness and mental acuity are of the utmost importance!
Marcy and Astia Are Royalty
Meanwhile, Marceline and Astia traveled past the Vavilov Velvet Orchards and spotted a curious sight indeed. A 100-person polybody wearing military uniforms and identical gargoyle masks running drills in the fields nearby. The Porcelain Prince Clayfire 100-company recognized Astia from a prior ambassadorial meeting and halted their exercises to greet him. Marceline had used her light-bending abilities to disguise herself as an older woman who she introduced to Clayfire 100-company as simply "Greta."While catching up with the Porcelain Prince, Astia and Marcy noticed something odd. While mostly speaking and acting in perfect unison, some of their bodies seemed to "de-sync" either saying something similar but not identical to the rest, or falling behind a few milliseconds. Strange behavior!
Astia mentioned to Clayfire 100-company that he was planning on spending time at Your Life Burns Faster In This House during their stay at the Porcelain Citadel, to which the Prince fiercely balked. Clayfire 100-company explained that that house was full of revolutionaries and thus were not to be trusted; they instead extended full hospitality to the Bluelander Ambassador. The Prince then polity excused their selves, as they needed to return to drills. Physical fitness and mental acuity are of the utmost importance!
Camel Speed-dating
Everyone reconvened at the rhinobuffalo hiding place to find Dulce, Noble, and Orphan laughing at Lancer's newest trick: dropping his trousers and hanging his bare ass over the Still Waters lake and getting his butt bit by an Electric Steppe Eel. The group decided that their best course of action was to launder their bioengineered burdenbeast at the Two Serais market and headed that way. |
| Imagine this but with a bunch of tubes coming out of it and probably some spikes too |
At the market, Dulce's eyes grew large as dinner plates at the beautiful sight of oldtech Vechs being loaded, unloaded, and in some cases straight up displayed like at an auto show. He headed over to a big ol' biomechanical Lincoln Continental and talked shop with its owner, a mechanic by the name of Lazaro Romero. While this happened, Marcy began negotiating with Zora Namelost-67, a Spectrum Satrap burdenbeast merchant specializing in camel placement.
Negotiations began heated as someone questioned Zora's last name, a practice which she both hates and experiences often. After smoothing things over, Marceline initially hoped to sell their small-headed rhinobuffalo for above its Kelly Blue Book value, but Zora talked her down. Ultimately, they came to a conclusion: she would trade in the rhinobuffalo for a normal camel and $400 IF they could find a camel that wouldn't be intimidated or depressed by the party's Magnificent Velblod camel. Zora needed to see sparks fly; these camels needed to like each other, otherwise no deal. If no sparks flew, she would simply trade the rhinobuffalo for a different burdenbeast of similar or equal value. Marceline and Zora headed over to her camel pens to begin introducing Darius (the magnificent camel) to her hundreds of camels, hoping to see sparks fly.
Scarcely halfway through Zora's camel harem with no sparks yet, the day grew late and both parties decided to retire for the evening and continue in the morning. Having developed a rapport with Marceline, Zora extended an invitation to stay with her in the Serai if she didn't have a place to crash for the night.
After seeming to gain the upper hand over the matching table and chairs, Jonky was suddenly and dramatically driven backwards out of the ring entirely! The fight took him precariously to the Onion Dam bridge itself... where a gargantuan Stone Octopus tentacle emerged from the Unsettled Waters, smashing the dinette set and wrapping itself around Jonky Bonko. Before he could even cry out for help, the singular tentacle pulled him into the waters. Most onlookers fled through the night back into tower, but those who stayed saw the last trace of Jonky's existence: 27 dollars floated up to the surface of the murky lake.
Negotiations began heated as someone questioned Zora's last name, a practice which she both hates and experiences often. After smoothing things over, Marceline initially hoped to sell their small-headed rhinobuffalo for above its Kelly Blue Book value, but Zora talked her down. Ultimately, they came to a conclusion: she would trade in the rhinobuffalo for a normal camel and $400 IF they could find a camel that wouldn't be intimidated or depressed by the party's Magnificent Velblod camel. Zora needed to see sparks fly; these camels needed to like each other, otherwise no deal. If no sparks flew, she would simply trade the rhinobuffalo for a different burdenbeast of similar or equal value. Marceline and Zora headed over to her camel pens to begin introducing Darius (the magnificent camel) to her hundreds of camels, hoping to see sparks fly.
Scarcely halfway through Zora's camel harem with no sparks yet, the day grew late and both parties decided to retire for the evening and continue in the morning. Having developed a rapport with Marceline, Zora extended an invitation to stay with her in the Serai if she didn't have a place to crash for the night.
Tragedy at the Furniture Fight
Excited to catch a good old fashioned furniture fight, the group took Jonky Bonko up on his offer and met at the Onion Dam at midnight. Watchers gathered little by little as time went on until, by the light of the moon, the undercard matches began. Ottomans were smashed, a wardrobe pinned a rainbowlander into submission, and then it was time for the main event. Jonky Bonko took on a dinette set in a series of brutal rounds of no-holds-barred combat.After seeming to gain the upper hand over the matching table and chairs, Jonky was suddenly and dramatically driven backwards out of the ring entirely! The fight took him precariously to the Onion Dam bridge itself... where a gargantuan Stone Octopus tentacle emerged from the Unsettled Waters, smashing the dinette set and wrapping itself around Jonky Bonko. Before he could even cry out for help, the singular tentacle pulled him into the waters. Most onlookers fled through the night back into tower, but those who stayed saw the last trace of Jonky's existence: 27 dollars floated up to the surface of the murky lake.
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