[UVG] Session 1 – Into the Grasslands?

Dramatis Personae

• Limon Field. Lime nomad Steppelander climate migrant. Unflappably nonchalant 15-year-old now bound in service to a demigod Bonsai Turtle named Glum.
• Gelato "O.G." Kush. Mutant Quarter-Ling Hexad Enforcer Militant. Turns into a cyclopic were-swan under the light of the full moon. Canonically still only wearing a labcoat with the front unbuttoned.
• Astia Rudeni. Dwarf Decapolitan Ambassador Biomancer. Learned Flesh-crafting at the Cobalt Ziggu-Rot. Arms and legs growing thinner by the day ever since he swallowed an unlabeled jar of pills.
• Marceline Chaiya Grove. Grapefruit nomad Steppelander Coffee-maker. Teenage girl formerly impersonating her father.
• Finn Skyshambler. Greenlander Phytomancer. Spreads the good word of The Great and Powerful Physics as a preacher from the Emerald City.

Payday at Purp U

Having escaped returned safely from the Gardens, the party plotted methods of hiding their Ynnian contraband from the University only to recall that they had been given express permission to keep anything they found as bonus payment for services rendered. They breathed easier as Prof. Leifbrauer arrived to conduct exit interviews regarding their experiences in the anomaly. Marcy told him about the ladybug procession, and Finn shared his suspicion that the gardens were much older than they initially appeared. Limon said, more or less accurately, that a turtle gave him a potted plant to look after. Gelato and Astia mostly made stuff up, though Gelato did eventually surrender his orchid and request it be planted in the greenhouse. Leifbrauer's responses to these false accounts, however, piqued the interest of some party members. After a brief line of questioning he revealed that he had been less than forthright upon meeting everyone: they were the first group to actually return from the anomaly in the 6 weeks since the experiments had begun.

Everyone collected their pay and got the hell out of Purp U, never to return.

3 Short Stories About the Violet City

Limon and Marcy Meet the Green Mage

Limon and Marcy, before leaving the university, had the football-sized pulsating ruby golem heart analyzed only to discover that the technology powering Ynnian Gardener Golems functioned as a primitive facsimile of the power sources of modern-day vechs and autogolems. If they could find someone with the know-how and/or equipment to refine the golem heart, they'd have a valuable power source on their hands. But where to find such a magimechanic? They figured a wizard might know. But where to find such a wizard? They did what any good fantasy adventurers do: asked around town until someone pointed them in the right direction. Lo and behold, they were sent to a tower on the southern end of the city limits. A tower belonging to one Galavar di Verde.

An eternal devotee of decorum and hospitality, Galavar invited Limon and Marcy in for tea the evening they rapt upon his door. Explaining their situation and asking if he had any assistance to provide, Galavar did what any good wizard would do: told them of a Cat Lord in the Last Serai named Pooki who could help, and gave Limon a wide-brimmed wizard hat he was no longer using. It was the cusp of Yellowmonth after all, and we all know how hot it can get traveling the steps in Yellowmonth.

Astia Sells a Spade

Astia scanned the booths at the midtown bazaar, hoping to spot someone who might be in the market for a giant-sized garden spade with its sides sharpened for use as a battle-axe. It wasn't long before he spotted an old crone selling snake oil to people her pet cat (not a Cat Lord, just a normal cat) magically ensorcelled (regular cat). They lost track of time sharing stories of graverobbing and a mutual appreciation of the usefulness of cadavers, but Natega bought Astia's shovel before closing up shop at sundown.

Finn and Gelato Liaise

Gelato led Finn through the streets of the Violet City down to its seedy slums. He was on his way to Pér Slaji, an old haunt of his, and Finn decided to tag along. The bouncer immediately recognized the degenerate Gelato and welcomed him back with open arms, only briefly pretending to "card" Finn before encouraging them to have a good time. Inside, Gelato bumped into three buddies of his from his days in the Hexad Militia, callsigns Noble, Orphan, and Lancer. Gelato showed them his flower with Gary Busey's head, but the Ynnian magic had faded over the past few hours and now it was just a regular rose that only vaguely resembled Gary Busey. Lancer agreed to find a fence for Gelato to make some cash off this Gary Busey flower, but all were distracted as Astia, Marcy, and Limon arrived.

The group shared stories of their adventures around town, and then smoked some drugs laced with Ynnian golem dust. And drank.

And smoked some more.

And drank some more!

And some more.

...And then things got hazy.

[Gardens of Ynn] Session 4 – Return to Purp U.

The Ultraviolet Grasslands-isms here are because I ran Gardens of Ynn as an intro to a UVG campaign, as well as to introduce the players to the system we'd be using: Knave with GLOG classes and some house rules for good measure. It's a messy work in progress.

Dramatis Personae

• Limon Field. Lime nomad Steppelander climate migrant. Unflappably nonchalant 15-year-old now bound in service to a demigod in the form of a Bonsai Turtle.
• Gelato "O.G." Kush. Mutant Quarter-Ling Hexad Enforcer Militant. Storied climber of upside-down cogs and gears. Turns into a cyclopic were-swan under the light of the full moon.
• Astia Rudeni. Dwarf Decapolitan Ambassador Biomancer. Learned Flesh-crafting at the Cobalt Ziggu-Rot. Arms and legs growing thinner by the day ever since he swallowed an unlabeled jar of pills.
• Marceline Chaiya Grove. Grapefruit nomad Steppelander Coffee-maker. Teenage girl formerly impersonating her father.

Astia in the Tower of the Peahawks

Blinking in the darkness, Astia Rudeni had no recollection of how or why he was currently rooting around in the pitch black 3rd floor of a frozen tower. (Ynn's weird like that sometimes!) As he threw open a window to get a better look at his surroundings, a great crash from the floor below shook the building. He heard shouts about birds coming from familiar voices outside the tower and acted quickly, pushing a musty old four poster bed over the trapdoor leading downward. Not a moment later the bed jumped, lifted by the weight of an ornery creature slamming the trapdoor into it from below.

With a newfound urgency, Astia sprung into action collecting cloth covers from the dusty repository of old furniture in which he found himself. He fashioned them into a knotted rope and rappelled down the outside of the building to safety.

Astia reunited with Limon, Marceline, and Gelato outside of the tower's hoary demesne. Little did he know, this would not be his only reunion this expedition.

Golem Assault

Following the ladybug parade deeper into the gardens, our heroes came across a burial mound topped with a megalithic structure. Two standing stones supported a third laying atop them, its faces inscribed with stars in formation. Marceline and Astia climbed to the top of the structure, but as they scrambled to their feet, a familiar face emerged from the shrubs circling the clearing. It was 8 feet tall, made of interlocking wooden parts, and wielded a giant, sharpened gardening spade as a battleaxe. The Gardener Golem had returned, and its sights were set on Astia.

The force of the Golem's blow was so powerful that it drove Astia's shield into his ribs, cracking a few. Noticing the plucked flower behind Marceline's ear, it swung its great spade at her as well, slamming her into the stone. Things were looking grim until Gelato took the potted orchid given to him by the Rose Maidens and threatened to drop it off the standing stone. Unable to resist helping a flower in need, the Gardener Golem moved to catch it like an old-timey firefighter. Marceline whipped out a chunk of crystal and began incanting; after a moment, her eyes flung open as napalm began erupting from the focus, engulfing the construct. When the smoke cleared there was nothing left of the Gardener Golem besides a heap of ash and a pulsating ruby the size of a football.

Bruised but not beaten, the party rested.

Mystery a'Mounds

The group made dinner, spread out on top of the standing stones, and slept for the rest of the daylight. (In Ynn, a day is 48 hours; 24 of light, 24 of darkness.) Gelato sprinkled some golem ash into a blunt he was rolling and offered it to Astia; smoking it caused a pair of man-sized butterfly wings to sprout from the Dwarf's back. A bit of experimenting and Astia discovered he could now fly. The group gathered a bunch of golem ash to smoke later, but for the time being something more pressing had arisen: nighttime had come, and there was a full moon in Ynn.

Gelato's grotesque transformation began. He fell to his knees, screaming instructions in desperation as his neck elongated and white feathers erupted from his skin. His two eyes converged while his lips hardened and protruded from his face, becoming a horrifically distended beak. Aghast, the party found themselves in the presence of a berserk, cyclopian were-swan. It shook off its loose-fitting clothes and began squawking and flapping its wings menacingly.

And as if this weren't enough of a curveball, in the light of the full moon, a hallway could now be seen through the standing stones, but only from one direction. The swan-beast formerly known as Gelato bolted in, webbed feet slapping softly against the flagstones. It ran further in than the moonlight revealed, followed by a loud "WHUMPH" ringing out from the darkness. Lighting a lantern, the group entered this extra-dimensional space to find a dazed, but unharmed, were-swan sitting by a closed door.

The Gang Tries Dungeon Delving

Opening the door which dead-ended the mysterious hallway, Limon, Marceline, and Astia faced four statues holding spears in throwing positions. They observed the figures safely from the hallway until their were-swan compatriot ran honking into the room, triggering a trap: the statues hurled their spears at the doorway... sailing harmlessly over the swan's head and directly into its unsuspecting friends. Marceline took the brunt of the blow and nearly bled out on the stone; Astia and Limon helped stabilize her, but where her left ear once was, now only a bloody mess remained.

Opening the next door, which sat between the now-spearless statues, Limon and Astia peered into a cavernously large room; their lantern-light didn't even reach the back walls. Astia decided to carefully scout the room by fluttering around with the lantern (taking care not to step on the ground). Clumsily circling the room while acclimating to his new appendages, Astia observed a door on each wall, and a gargantuan statue with two fingers outstretched from a hand on its extended arm. It stood on a circular base set into the floor slightly. Not wanting to explore further without the rest of the party, Astia returned to the antechamber and was blasted in the back with a bolt of searing flame from the statue's fingertips.

Limon did his best to treat Astia's smoldering arm to no avail. In the end, all Astia's companions could do was pray he'd survive the injury. Against all odds, he pulled through. Everyone agreed it was time to leave the Gardens.

Back to the Copse

Searching for an exit brought the party to a burbling fountain. The Gelato-swan flew in and preened itself while the others debated the risks and rewards of stealing some of the coins they saw glinting in the crystal-clear water. In the end, Limon took one. Nothing happened.

They traveled along a path between a low hedge which eventually brought them under an impossibly wide glass canopy (with no visible walls or supports, at that). Under this glass ceiling grew every kind of rose imaginable. Marceline replaced the bloodsoaked orchid in her hair with a neat polka-dotted rose blossom. Another was plucked that shared an uncanny likeness with Gary Busey. But the big kahuna crowned a house-sized tangle of thorns and bushes and vines: a rose with petals black as the night's sky. It was going to be a dangerous and painful climb through the tangled of thorns to get there, so Astia instead fluttered up to the top and plucked it. It smelled sweet—good enough to eat, even. So he did! (It permanently increased his HP by 1.)

Through the other end of this rose garden, the hedges continued until all but Astia saw a familiar sight. They arrived behind the mausoleum that had awaited them upon first entering the Gardens. Sure enough, in front of the white marble building was a wrought iron lamppost, candle lit within. A quick trip along a game path brought them back to the vine-covered brick wall with an iron-banded door still slightly ajar. One by one they exited the gardens, returning to the Purple University's Astrobiology Department Greenhouse.

But What About Our Stuff?

Gelato reverted immediately, and, lying naked on the floor of the greenhouse, was offered a labcoat. He graciously accepted, politely declining all requests to button up the front afterwards.

A beetle was sent for Doktor Leifbrauer, who was currently holding office hours. In the meantime our heroes huddled, brainstorming ways to keep what contraband they had smuggled out of the Ynnian anomaly. They would have until Leifbrauer's debriefing to come up with a way to maintain their hard-earned gains.

[Gardens of Ynn] Session 3 – Wherein Plants Are Acquired

The Ultraviolet Grasslands-isms here are because I ran Gardens of Ynn as an intro to a UVG campaign, as well as to introduce the players to the system we'd be using: Knave with GLOG classes and some house rules for good measure. It's a messy work in progress.

Dramatis Personae

• Limon Field. Lime nomad Steppelander climate migrant. Fled to the Yellowlands during a great drought where he trained as a showfighter in a traveling circus.
• Marceline Chaiya Grove. Grapefruit nomad Steppelander Coffee-maker. A trained Black Gold industrialist from a clan of coffee-middlemen. Recently revealed to be a teenage girl in disguise.
• Gelato "O.G." Kush. Mutant Quarter-Ling Hexad Enforcer Militant. Booted from his squad upon discovery that he experiments with drugs. Storied climber of upside-down cogs and gears.
• Dulce. Mononymous Bourgeois Botanist Dwarf from the Red Land District (RLD). Hails from the cloistered Warwick Cove, and excels in knowledge of Oldtech and gentlemanly manners.
• Yesen il'Aravat. Oroblanco Steppelander General of the Machine-Hunters' Union. Insists gravity is a finite resource and frequently advises against its expenditure (climbing, jumping, etc).

An Auspicious Meeting

Enter Dolce and Yesen, both still stuck in this anomalous garden from previous, failed excursions. Evidence pointing to Prof. Leifbrauer bending the truth regarding to mission success rates mounts. Yesen il'Aravat found himself stranded in the bizarre upside-down cog jungle gym adjacent to the now-inaccessible hedge maze our heroes discovered previously. Suspended above an endless blue sky, the Steppelander encountered Gelato delightedly galavanting about the turning gears. The two met up and navigated their way over to a shadowy amphitheater where Dolce was seated, watching a days-long puppet show. It turned out that rust-colored bees manned these puppets, and upon their play's rude interruption, stung the interlopers in their sternums, melting them into goopy wax instantly.

Meanwhile, at the Statuary

Marceline and Limon were composing themselves after surviving a rusty bee attack when the hive housed in the nearby bisected statue began to drip goop. This goop shaped itself into humanoid form and before long Gelato, Dolce, and Yesen stood face-to-face to the citrus nomads. Reunited with their degenerate pal OG (who found a Ynnian pocketwatch in the deep, wax-filled cavity left in his chest) the party decided to get their bearings by climbing something tall. They headed into a dark wood bordering the statuary.

Limon volunteered to climb a tree and see what was nearby. He began ascending a large tree and it was half an hour before the rest of the group realized he was not coming back down. Halfway up the trunk of this fractally expansive evergreen, Limon met an obstinate caterpillar the size of an anaconda who cryptically advised him that, whichever way you choose to go, going long enough will lead you somewhere in Ynn. Limon thanked the caterpillar (who claimed he didn't have a name but later was revealed to be Jeremy) and went on his way.

At the "Top" of the Tree

Unaware (but hopeful) that the rest of the party were on their way, Limon explored an abandoned kennel. You see, after climbing the tree for the better part of an hour, he found himself actually only a dozen or so feet off the ground—different ground than where he had started. When climber extraordinaire Gelato Kush arrived ahead of everyone else, Limon was halfway through stripping a corpse of its set of chainmail armor, donning it himself. The two heard a crashing (like logs falling off the back of an 18-wheeler like in Final Destination 2) through the nearby hedges and snuck off to take a peek.

What they found was a turtle the size of a cottage with a bonsai tree growing atop its shell lumbering through the hedges. This towering reptile, a bonsai tortoise by the name of Glum, seemed annoyed with Limon for wearing armor stolen off of a previous one of his "pets," but offered to allow him to keep it in exchange for becoming a new pet. Limon accepted, and Glum lifted a tree trunk leg to reveal a bonsai tree sprouting from the ground. He instructed Limon to take the tree with him, care for it, and to do as he is told when called upon. Unbeknownst to Limon, he had just agreed to a pact with a demigod.

Acquiring More Plants

With the party all gathered together once again, they pressed on past the kennels to a tranquil area dotted with greenhouses. Etched into the entrances to each house was an orchid, and through the glass panels everyone could see rows of orchids growing. Dolce pruned some orchid petals while Marceline plucked a flower to wear in her hair and Yesen searched for gardening equipment. While they plundered, Gelato followed some strange-looking tracks that lead towards a lake.

Gelato heard singing. Carefully, he approached the source of the tune and discovered five creatures, vaguely human in shape but comprised of twisted, woven-together rose bushes and with great rose blossoms in the place of heads. He and the rosebush creatures exchanged pleasantries and headed back to the orchid houses. They stated that they—called the Rose Maidens—maintained the orchid houses, and welcomed all to rest on their grounds if tired. The group declined their offer, growing increasingly worried that these flowers' keepers would discover their flower-tampering. Gelato asked for an orchid of his own, which the Rose Maidens agreed to on the condition that when his travels ended, he plant it wherever he calls home.

Marceline insisted that she retrieve the pot and spade for Gelato's orchid, and thus the maidens discovered no wrongdoing. Oblivious to the party's crimes against flowerkind, the caretakers sent everyone off in the direction of a grand procession of ladybugs.

The Frozen Tower

The procession was delightful; there were ladybugs as far as the eye could see, marching ever onward through the gardens. Everyone followed the little bugs, taking great care where they tread, until they were lead to a tower. From a distance, the tower had an odd, glistening quality. Upon closer inspection, it was revealed to be encased in an inches-thick casing of ice. Concerned for the health of their respective plants, Gelato and Limon opted to "stand guard" outside the tower while Marceline, Yesen, and Dolce ventured forth.

The cold bit into the ill-prepared adventurers fiercely inside the frozen tower. (Every turn they spent inside dealt 1hp of damage to them.) A force from within the only free-standing bookshelf called out to Marceline, nearly compelling her to thaw it. She resisted the impulse, but then decided to spend however long it would take to thaw the shelf and find the source of her own volition. Dolce and Yesen decided that was bad news and ascended the staircase in the back up to the tower's next floor: a giant bird's nest.

A homely, plump fledgling immediately bonded with Yesen after emerging from behind a pile of unhatched eggs. As the two searched through the nest area, Marceline finished thawing the shelf (finding a spellbook) and the "guards" saw two large, angry-looking birds flying towards the open window to the tower's second floor. Limon and Gelato called out to their companions, giving them just enough time to find hiding places before a pair of vicious-looking peacocks burst into the nest in defense of their baby.

[Gardens of Ynn] Session 2 – Lost in Ynn

The Ultraviolet Grasslands-isms here are because I ran Gardens of Ynn as an intro to a UVG campaign, as well as to introduce the players to the system we'd be using: Knave with GLOG classes and some house rules for good measure. It's a messy work in progress.

Dramatis Personae

• Limon Field. Lime nomad Steppelander climate migrant. Fled to the Yellowlands during a great drought where he trained as a showfighter in a traveling circus.
• "Mercutio Coffeeya" Grove. Grapefruit nomad Steppelander Coffee-maker. A trained Black Gold industrialist from a clan of coffee-middlemen. Has a secret.
• Astia Rudeni. Dwarf Decapolitan Ambassador Biomancer. Learned Flesh-crafting at the Cobalt Ziggu-Rot where he was later appointed Ambassador, as a Dwarf holds higher standing in the Decapolis than the degenerate Bluelanders.

A Routine Trade Visit

On a regular, perfectly normal trade mission to the Purple University, Astia and a handful of Bluelander lackeys found themselves roped into an expedition. You see, cadavers don't come cheap, and the Ziggu-Rot's coffers aren't exactly overflowing. So in exchange for a few wheelbarrows full of dead bodies, Astia and crew agreed to explore an extra-dimensional anomaly.

Everything Was Going Fine Until They All Died

Whereas Finn, OG, Limon, and Mercutio had entered through the doorway into a copse of trees by a mausoleum, Astia and crew were deposited into an herb garden. Deciding it was best not to touch anything, they ventured forth and stumbled upon a gazebo within which rested a brazier. So long as a fire burned in this brazier, nothing could enter the gazebo without their permission, so they burned firewood to keep out the gnats and bats as they slept. This evidently irked a nearby Gardener Golem whose twisted, hulking form of interlocking petrified wood lumbered up and slashed one of the Bluelanders' throats with a giant, sharpened trowel. The others, including Astia, fled the scene, running blindly deeper into the Gardens.

Enter Limon and Mercutio

The two Steppelanders found themselves stranded in the floating cemetery on hovering, individual grave plots, inexplicably separated from Finn and OG. Hopping from plot to plot over the infinite, yawning blue abyss, they came across Astia, at the time engrossed in deciphering the ancient language comprising the tombstones' epitaphs. On a solid-land cliff opposite Astia rested a 10-foot-tall person made of wood sitting in a meditative pose and clutching a great, sharpened trowel. The Gardener Golem had followed Astia to the floating graveyard and now moved only to clear the occasional weeds or detritus from the Gardens. After a brief yet risky inspection of the golem, Limon decided it was best to leave the thing alone and try to find a different way back to the door (as they were all now thoroughly lost). The newly-formed group traveled elseways to a new destination.

The Shooting Range

They arrived at a finely manicured lawn with stakes driven into one end. Tied to these stakes were human skeletons, killed by gun or crossbow fire judging from the injuries. At the other end of this range, curiously, was a black, wrought iron lamppost. It was identical to the lamppost in the clearing at the mausoleum, but its candle was lit this time. Limon and Mercutio had little time to scratch their heads at this, however, as from the nearby shrubs emerged three beasts with the bodies and faces of wolves but the heads, necks, and antlers of elk. The two elk-wolves in front parted to reveal the third limping, with blood matted to the fur of its leg.

The group managed to keep the aberrant animals calm while extracting what turned out to be a rose vine from the injured one's front leg. Its thorns had grown long and worm-like, reaching deep within the elk-wolf, not unlike Chancellor Kevin's warning. Astia tasted the blood of this creature and confirmed it was a chimera, though in addition to elk and wolf, there was a third type of blood that couldn't be so easily identified. On a whim, Limon asked if the creatures could help them find their way back to the entrance, and with a knowing nod, the elk-wolves lead the party off-trail through the woods to a statuary.

Bees in the Trap

The elk-wolf chimera left, refusing to enter the rows of meticulously sculpted marble statues in the style of antiquity. Flowers of tarnished silver grew naturally here, adding an ethereal beauty to contrast the pained, anguished, and horrified expressions of a disconcerting number of these statues. Weary of boring old statues of conventionally attractive, physically fit men and women, our heroes sought out an unconventional likeness, and after scanning dozens of rows, found one: a corpulent man with an engorged member, face immortalized in an expression combining fear and happiness. Further inspection reveal the statue was hollow, so they smashed it and out poured bees!

Angry as hell, the bees attacked, but not before the soporific effect of their hive's wax took effect: Mercutio's meticulous disguise melted away, revealing that he had been Marceline, a 16-year-old girl, the entire time! Limon bashed with a dagger-axe, Astia flung arrows of acid from their flesh-toaster, Marceline loosed arrows of normal from her bow, and before too long the apian adversaries had been annihilated.

Shocked and exhausted, the trio set up camp to prepare for the Ynnian half-day "night."

[Gardens of Ynn] Session 1 – Into the Gardens

The Ultraviolet Grasslands-isms here are because I ran Gardens of Ynn as an intro to a UVG campaign, as well as to introduce the players to the system we'd be using: Knave with GLOG classes and some house rules for good measure. It's a messy work in progress.

Dramatis Personae

• Gelato "O.G." Kush. Mutant Quarter-Ling Hexad Enforcer Militant. Booted from his squad upon discovery that he experiments with drugs (and turns into a were-swan in the light of the full moon).
• Limon Field. Lime nomad Steppelander climate migrant. Fled to the Yellowlands during a great drought where he trained as a showfighter in a traveling circus.
• Finn Skyshambler. Greenlander Phytomancer. Spreads the good word of The Great and Powerful Physics as a preacher from the Emerald City.
• Mercutio Coffeeya Grove. Grapefruit nomad Steppelander Coffee-maker. A trained Black Gold industrialist from a clan of coffee-middlemen.

A Notice in Charming Square

Our adventure began with our heroes gathered around a notice board in the Violet City's Charming Square. A listing posted by researchers at the Purple University sought volunteers to explore a recently discovered anomaly. While contemplating taking this gig or investigating an ancient tower from the Long Long Ago rumored to attract Vomes and contain the resting place of a great warrior, they met Chancellor Kevin. A kindly old man, Chancellor offered them useful information, such as that Vomes have nasty worms that wriggle inside you, and that plants have nasty worms that wriggle inside you too. The group rudely refused to compensate him for his efforts and headed to Purp U.

At the University

Continuing their rude antics, Mercutio berated a receptionist at the towering structure of higher education for being a cog in the capitalist machine until the message beetle summoned Professor Doktor Leifbrauer. The good Doktor and his research assistants explained what was expected of the motley crue: enter the anomaly, explore, record any interesting findings, report back within 24 hours. Provided with supplies, the group was shown the anomaly: a brick wall overgrown with ivy, parted so that a door could be drawn on in chalk, inscribed with the phrase

"Ynn, by way of the Purple University."

Professor Doktor asked everyone to face away from the door, and as soon as it had ceased to be observed, the anomaly manifested. In the place of the chalk drawing was an oaken door with brass fittings, and opening it lead to a copse of trees in far-off land. Or, perhaps, another reality altogether!

The Gardens of Ynn

A game trail wound through the copse of trees, leading to a mausoleum bordered by finely manicured gardens and hedges. Atop the white marble mausoleum stood a statue of an elf; in the clearing leading up to it, a wrought-iron lamp post with an unlit candle. Limon climbed the lamp to light the candle, and from his changed vantage point noticed an exit through the hedges hidden via optical illusion at the ground level. Stepping through this exit lead the group into a hedge maze, which Finn attempted to talk his way through. The hedges allowed it, but warned him that the group forcing their way through the maze could attract unwanted attention.

They continued navigating the maze until finding it exited into a hanging garden of ancient rotating clockwork gears. OG being a natural climber found himself able to Charlie Chaplin his way through the machinery with ease, even helping to rescue Finn whose hand became stuck, crushed by great, grinding gears. The hanging cogs dropped our heroes off onto a pocket of floating grave plots, each a clump of dirt spaced a few feet apart, marked with a tombstone, and suspended in the yawning blue sky.

International Tabletop Day and a LotFP Cheat Sheet

International Tabletop Day falls on April 28th this year, and I will be celebrating this year by attempting my first ever foray into the OSR. My plan is to run Skerples' excellent Tomb of the Serpent Kings using Lamentations of the Flame Princess. Deciding between LotFP and Dungeon Crawl Classics was agonizing, but my players typically land on the lazy side and I feel DCC demands a bit more than they would enjoy.

Anyway, in the tradition of The Alexandrian's RPG Cheat Sheets, I decided to make one for LotFP. It was a three-pronged endeavor to create I could easily reference at the table if needed without slowing down play (much), to perform a somewhat deeper dive into the rules of LotFP than I've attempted previously, and finally to familiarize myself with Pages as layout software.

Page 1 contains explanations of Ability Scores, Skills, and Healing/Damage.
Page 2 covers the Adventuring section.
Page 3 features most of the Encounters and Combat sections.
Page 4 is pretty much just all of the Encumbrance tables copy pasted.

I omit the rules for maritime adventures and retainers, as well as all of the lists for equipment (and as such, armor/shield values, weapon damage/effects, etc). Those sections seemed like they wouldn't be as pressing at the table, but I suppose I'll find out soon enough! I also used "GM" instead of "Referee" to save space, so hopefully that won't be too grating.

LotFP Cheat Sheet

If a Lamentations of the Flame Princess cheat sheet might be useful to you, feel free to view/download it. I'm open to feedback if you think it's missing anything vital (like, say, weapons and armor tables!), but I doubt I'd be able to add anything new while maintaining the current page count.

On Spell-slinging Crocodiles

Spoiler Warning: There are some incredibly minor Divinity: Original Sin 2 spoilers ahead.

A few Wednesdays ago, some friends and I started up a game of Divinity: Original Sin 2. I'm a big fan of the previous game, four-player co-op is always a lot of fun, and it promised to scratch that RPG itch (my Curse of Strahd game has unfortunately been in a limbo of cancellations for the past couple of months). We created our characters, played through the intro sequence, and then I got hit -- my character literally got hit -- with a lesson in game design that I'll be applying to tabletop games I run from here on out.

In the starting area of this game, we learned of some troublesome crocodiles on the outskirts of town, and that they potentially had some treasure. An interesting take on the "kill rats in the tavern basement" opening quest, we took that bait and set out to hunt some crocs. Upon finding our quarry, we set ourselves up in an advantageous position and prepared to initiate combat. My character, a damaging/debuffing Witch, climbed a ladder up onto a wooden structure, and I said to my friends something along the lines of "I'm just gonna cast spells from up here. What, are the crocodiles gonna climb this ladder to get to me?"

Boy was I in for a treat.

In D:OS2, combatants are ordered by an initiative stat, and then turns alternate between your team and the enemy's. So first our tank takes point, making sure to look like an attractive target for crocodile attacks... and then a crocodile casts a spell at me. It summoned a boulder that flew across the screen, hit me for half my health, and left an enormous pool of oil at my feet, along with which comes a slew of negative effects. Slowed movement, increased damage of a certain type, reduced action points. Moments earlier I had taunted the simple beasts for (probably) not being able to climb ladders, and now I was beaten half to death, my combat effectiveness utterly crippled. The healer had positioned himself next to me too, so he suffered all the same consequences. We were in tears laughing. We had just gotten got.

On a subsequent turn, a different crocodile cast the game's equivalent of Stoneskin on itself. I could not contain my delight. It was so unexpected and absurd, and made what was assuredly going to be a boring semi-tutorial encounter with some mundane monsters into something truly memorable. We were in such a bad position after getting caught off-guard that we wiped and had to load our save. This encounter influenced our approach to literally every subsequent encounter; the game taught us in very clear terms that nothing was ever to be taken for granted, and that's something that absolutely should be applied to tabletop RPGs as well.

Let your crocodiles cast magic spells.

Or perhaps a better way to phrase that would be "stop running crocodiles that can't cast magic spells." It's boring, seriously. Goblins, Kobolds, Gnomes, Bullywugs, etc. are all the damn same and it's super boring so stop using them. Instead, use crocodiles that can cast spells. Even if you're running a low magic game, a flavorful ability that makes sense for the creature will be infinitely more entertaining for the party encountering it. If your brown bear is the same as a black bear but with more hit points and an extra attack, then your brown bear sucks and you should come up with something better. Give it a roar that causes a save vs. fear. Give it a 50% chance to ignore characters that play dead or something. Give it the ability to grow back two arms every time it loses one. Now that's a dang bear your players will remember.

Since the D&D 5e Monster Manual is particularly egregious about having a ton of boring monsters with little more than a sack of hit points and a mundane attack or two, here are some example monsters I've written for that system:

Made using The Homebrewery

If the Crocodile That Can Cast Spells is the sorcerer of the reptile kingdom, then the Alligadabra is its wizard. Which makes sense, because they gained their power from eating a bunch of tasty wizards in the first place. This is mostly just a re-skinned Mage, but with a really flavorful swallow ability (if you'll pardon the pun).

I bet Alligadabra stomachs fetch a high price to the right buyers. Made using The Homebrewery

Alligadabras may seem similar to Crocodiles That Can Cast Spells, but if you say that to their face, they'll probably hit you with a Fireball. I think for both Alligadabras and Crocodiles That Can Cast Spells it's important to keep in mind that these animals aren't anthropomorphic. Any Alligadabra I run at my table will certainly be wearing wizard robes and maybe a pointy hat, but it will not walk upright or anything like that.

Now those are some good bears, if I do say so myself. Made with The Homebrewery

Because writing 5e monster stat blocks is proving to be exhausting, I think I'll just finish this post with a random table to roll up your own. To use the table, roll 3d8 and combine the effects into something that will assuredly catch your players off-guard. If it doesn't, then your game is probably already pretty awesome.